what happens when your BIPOLAR disorder is out of control?
I’ve been bipolar for 6 years now and I just wanted to hear others bipolar stories. I know what it says on webmd and wikipeda but I want to hear "REAL" stories of what you go through on a daily bases.
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I go through days when I wake up thinking "I would rather die than get out of bed and face another day". Then I go through times when I feel like I am on top of the world, invincible, and have low impulse control (that can get me in alot of trouble, too). There are times when I feel worthless and times when I feel like I could do anything. It is hard. Oh yeah, and the uncontrollable anger and stuff. I got off my meds once and assaulted my husband (cut his face open) then got contempt on the judge and ended up having to spend a week in jail. The jailer that checked me in, saw me a few days later (when I had got my meds) and she was like "woo honey, you a completely different person from what I saw the other day". I am banned from the psychiatric ward at my local hospital because I am too threatening and they don’t have the resources to handle me. I have no friends left, as it has been too easy to trip on them and tell them to go the hell on. It’s hard.
It is the rage that you feel almost on the daily bases and it needs the least of provocations. Situation changes could affect us mightily. Sometimes we don’t feel the understanding and support even of our loved ones. We are categorized along with people with anger management issues. So we are told to control our anger.
Being Bipolar for 21yrs, I have been diagnosed 3 different times in my life with Bipolar II. Each time I tried a different medical treatment. I have done extensive studying and monitoring of myself on my own. In my younger years, it seemed as though ALL areas in my life were a great big mess. There was nothing in my life that was stable. I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t be in any type of reletionship, I had NO friends. I went to support groups, therapy, etc…. I tried everything to help myself. Including self medication. It took me many years to get a handle on myself and my diagnosis. For the last 4yrs, it seems as though all my hard work is paying off. I keep myself "in-tune" to my imbalances and kind of KNOW when I am swinging. When this happens, I sort of go into a secluded state, in my room (so that I don’t effect the other people around me). After a while, they see and know ME t0oo and thank God they just leave me alone. I have been at my same job that I am choosing to absolutly love for over 1.5yrs now and am VERY proud of myself. I have changed my negative mental habits into positive ones. I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. I meet my responsibilities with better attitude now. I think I had to take the "unemotional" view of myself. When I don’t keep my emotions in CHECK, I loose it (generally on some innocent person). I still say "I’m sorry" quite often, right now that is just the best I can do (for them). I think since my job is stable, my next endevour is going to be my relationships.. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Patients with yourself is a MUST. And as long as you keep an ACTIVE roll in yourself, and keep woking towards betterment, things will be OK.
People who were bipolar have been institutionalized. That can be necessary if it gets that bad.
GET SOME HELP!!!!!!!
Honestly I don’t know. I was diagnosed a few months ago, and after a honeymoon period of about a month, when I was unbelievable optimistic and happy, but more recently I’ve been going downhill again. I’m depressed, keep giving myself burns (I know it’s weird but it’smy from of self harm pouring boiling water in myself), and keep going back to my room and crying. In a way it seems worse now, because although I was suicidal before I was diagnosed, there was a gleam of hope in that having seen my father get better on medication (he was depressed) I hoped that maybe I could be happy (and not manicly so) one day. But now, I just wonder if I’m going to spend the rest of my life oscillating between severe depression when every other thought is elf-loathing and disgust and a mania when I can’t control myself and just alienate all my friends. I haven’t even told any them yet, as I’m afriad they’ll think it’s an excuse or I made it up. I want to go back to my doctor and tell him that the medication isn’t working anymore but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m just being self-absorbed or a hypochondriac. I don’t know about you, but what I’ve always found hardest is not knowing when what you’re feeling is normal or not. once those lines have been blurred it’s impossible to find them again. I don’t know anymore whether hating myself os normal and whether lots of people are like that or what. Eurgh. But I like the anonimity of the internet, the only place I can be honest without fear of judgment. I’d never tell my mum about my suicidal tendencies (you just can’t) and I dont like talking about when I’m low. But here…at least I can be frank without feeling too ashamed. Anyhow: you wanted a real life story. Hope this answers your question x