Comments on: How do I improve the sentences underneath? http://www.multidisorder.com/how-do-i-improve-the-sentences-underneath/ Disorder : Disruption of standard functioning. Wed, 14 Jul 2010 04:00:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Nightwisp http://www.multidisorder.com/how-do-i-improve-the-sentences-underneath/comment-page-1/#comment-4196 Nightwisp Sun, 14 Mar 2010 07:20:42 +0000 #comment-4196 "Dramatic devices are considered part of the set and lighting of the play. These help to non-verbally express the mood, atmosphere, and apprehension of the characters to the audience." Or "Dramatic devices are also used in addition to the set and lighting of the play. They help to non-verbally express the mood, atmosphere, and apprehension of the characters to the audience." The second sentence is really the only one that might need improvement, unless there is some factual flaw I'm missing. I don't know much about theatre, but I'm pretty familiar with writing and expression. Your main problems are using weasel words (somewhat), and placing the adverb "non-verbal" too far from the verb it is modifying. "Somewhat non-verbal manner" is a very vague statement; if you're going to say something, say it with conviction and don't use words like "somewhat." Also, instead of using "non-verbal manner," make it into an adverb (non-verbally) and place it next to the verb it modifies. "Dramatic devices are considered part of the set and lighting of the play. These help to non-verbally express the mood, atmosphere, and apprehension of the characters to the audience."

Or

"Dramatic devices are also used in addition to the set and lighting of the play. They help to non-verbally express the mood, atmosphere, and apprehension of the characters to the audience."

The second sentence is really the only one that might need improvement, unless there is some factual flaw I’m missing. I don’t know much about theatre, but I’m pretty familiar with writing and expression. Your main problems are using weasel words (somewhat), and placing the adverb "non-verbal" too far from the verb it is modifying. "Somewhat non-verbal manner" is a very vague statement; if you’re going to say something, say it with conviction and don’t use words like "somewhat." Also, instead of using "non-verbal manner," make it into an adverb (non-verbally) and place it next to the verb it modifies.

]]> By: Frankiee x http://www.multidisorder.com/how-do-i-improve-the-sentences-underneath/comment-page-1/#comment-4197 Frankiee x Sun, 14 Mar 2010 07:20:42 +0000 #comment-4197 i think they are great. The only bit i would consider revising is is the mood of the atmosphere as its a bit confusing, maybe change it to something along the lines of, 'atmospheres' mood' :D i think they are great. The only bit i would consider revising is is the mood of the atmosphere as its a bit confusing, maybe change it to something along the lines of, ‘atmospheres’ mood’ :D

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